Praying for Kim

My heart is heavy this morning. A childhood friend has been dealt another blow. A few months ago, Kim was diagnosed with breast cancer. Years ago her mother died shortly after being diagnosed with breast cancer. Kim has maintained a very positive attitude and a vibrant Christian witness throughout her chemo and radiation. She has truly been an inspiration.

Last week, Kim received a double whammy. Cancer has spread to her brain. She is now receiving chemo for both breast and brain cancer. Her body is exhausted. Her emotions are all over the place. This is not what any of us expected.

We believed that Kim would indeed have a tough fight, but that it would be relatively straight forward victory. We believed that God would heal her in short order. After all, she has maintained that God is in control of this as He is in control of her life. Kim's faith has been unshakeable.

Now this.

Last week, Kim was still posting to Facebook. Now her ability to communicate is severely limited. One of my thoughts was, “But God, she was such a strong witness. So positive. So loving. So funny. So strong. Why should she be silenced?”

I don't know the answer.

I do know that I've heard from friends from long ago who've been touched by Kim. Friends who would never darken the doors of a church.

Last night one friend called. She's traveled far from her roots, far from where she believes she should be. It's been years since she's prayed. Last night, through tears of rage and frustration at the unfairness of all this, she and I prayed that Kim and her family will feel and know with a certainty that God has wrapped them in His strong, loving arms, that they would experience His peace and healing strength.

It's a start.

Kim's witness and her willingness to share her faith and her struggles is still a vibrant light. Even though she can't communicate well right now, her life is speaking for her. Seeds she planted are beginning to grow.

Even silent, God continues to use her. {And if you knew Kim, you'd know that this is one of the few times in her whole life she's been silent.}

If I were silenced, would my life continue to speak for me? Have I planted seeds in my friends' lives that would continue to grow? Have I created a community of friends that could nurture, support and comfort each other?

Please today, tomorrow, any time God brings it to your mind...

       pray for Kim,

       pray for her husband,

       pray for her family.

               Pray that God will enfold them in His arms,

                     that they will know His love,

                     His comfort,

                     His healing strength.

              Pray that all of us will accept God's Will for Kim

                     even while we're praying and asking for her healing.

             Pray that we will continue to nurture and support each other.

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When You Disagree With a Doctor

Recently, an acquaintance asked me what to do when she strongly disagreed with a recommendation made by their family doctor for her disabled husband. I've certainly been in that situation. Still each family is different and what works for us, may not work for you.

Really, there are no hard and fast answers that I've found. I strongly prefer a medical practice that encourages dialogue and that is willing to discuss the pros and cons of alternative therapies. We can deal with more autocratic practices. It just isn't as pleasant and straight forward.

Here are seven things that I've found helpful when considering treatments other than what Boo's doctor, physical or occupational therapist, etc. recommends. (Most of the time we do follow the recommendations, even after looking at other options. Not always, but usually. We do always clearly communicate our decision to Boo's primary care doctor. That way he or she is completely aware of what's happening with Boo.)

If this is an emergency situation, clearly state your medical wishes, provide a medical power of attorney and let the professionals save your loved one's life. This is not the time to get in the way.

One

If the medical professional suggests a therapy or medication that seems out of line, I ask the reasoning behind his or her recommendation. Many times this simple questioning is all it takes for us to understand. It also helps to eliminate second guessing on my part later on.

Once when I questioned a doctor, with whom we were very pleased, he gave me a rather blank look, glanced at the prescription he'd just written for Boo and did a double take. He was in the wrong room. They were exceptionally busy that day and the doctor mistook Boo for a different patient.

Two

After questioning the doctor or therapist and understanding their reasoning if I still disagree with the treatment, I'll ask what alternatives there are. The practices I like best will discuss them. Ultimately this saves a lot of time and a lot of my energy. Many times the alternatives haven't been chosen for a good reason. Sometimes I just need to know the reasoning involved.

At this point, if a medical professional refuses to discuss alternatives, I ask if a different time would be better. Just for the record, that has never been the case. Still, I like to ask. Then, I clearly tell whomever I'm dealing with that I'm uncomfortable with the recommendations they've made and I tell them why I'm uncomfortable. I also tell them that I'll be examining alternatives and that we'll contact their office later.

Three

At home, I promptly search the internet for alternative treatments, the effectiveness of the various treatments and the feasibility of Boo using the different treatments. The Mayo Clinic and Web MD are two good sources of medical information.

Four

I call several good friends to ask questions. One is a retired doctor. Two are nurses and one is an occupational therapist. Many times insurance companies have hotlines with nurses that will answer questions. That's not a bad resource to consider. In our area, we have two large teaching hospitals. Both have public hotlines staffed by nurses, residents and interns who seem knowledgeable.

Five

At this point, I contact the original medical professional again to discuss what I've learned. This has met with mixed results. Usually, they are open to some discussion. On one occasion I was told that, “I don't discuss that type of thing with patients. They aren't doctors. They need to follow my plan or go elsewhere.” We went elsewhere.

Generally this is the point where we come up with a treatment plan that works for all of us. Rarely, that hasn't been the case.

Six

If we haven't reached a treatment plan that both the medical professional and Boo and I are comfortable following, I get a second opinion. Generally Medicare and insurance companies will pay for second opinions with little fuss. Locating another doctor has never been a problem for us. I call the local hospitals. They have referral services. Another alternative is to call the medical licensing board in your state and ask for a referral.

Seven

After I've researched different therapies, considered the feasibility of them and talked to the doctor again...or gotten a second opinion, it's time to decide what to do. Make a plan and adhere to it.

Boo's health is too important to dilly dally around. No treatment plan will be perfect. If we come up with one that generally works well, then I'm happy.

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Fasting for Elizabeth

Yesterday was one of those days that Boo just wouldn't eat.  He absolutely refused, even oatmeal, even his new favorite---Honey Nut Cheerios.  Finally after an all day struggle with his appetite, Boo was offered a strawberry milkshake.  Boo will turn somersaults for strawberry  milkshakes...usually.  Not yesterday.  Yesterday he ate one small banana and two potato chips.  That's it.  Nothing more.

Around 2:30 or 3:00 this morning, Boo was awake in bed with a loudly growling stomach, a frustrated wife and, to top it all off, he just wasn't talking.  Finally, I turned on our trusty ol' laptop and pulled up Facebook.  I knew seeing photos of his Louisiana relatives and listening to me read their updates would comfort him.  Boo was fairly interested...and then he saw a photo of Elizabeth.

Elizabeth is a young woman in her early twenties from my Mother's local church.  She's a warm, bubbly, loving bundle of energy.  Boo attended that church for a few months until it just became too overwhelming for him.  So, of course he's met Elizabeth.  It'd be hard not to notice her in the crowd of generally less than twenty people that attend each Sunday.  (This is a small town.) 

Last week Elizabeth was diagnosed with acute leukemia.  I told Boo about it, but didn't expect much of a reaction because he really doesn't know her.  As it turns out, I underestimated him.  He heard me.  He remembered Elizabeth.  And he was affected. 

Boo remembers attending that church and remembers Elizabeth hugging him.  I don't specifically remember that, but she probably did at the end of the service.  Boo remembers Elizabeth bringing a lot of children to Mom's house to sing Christmas carols to him.  (Actually, it was five or six children and they really came to sing to Mom.  We just happened to be there.)  The Christmas caroling was in December of 2009 and not something we've discussed in years.  It amazes me that he can remember that so clearly and yet, forget the bathroom's location less than eight feet from the bedroom door.

Boo asked me to read the updates on Elizabeth.  I read several and he continued asking me to read them.  I read one that I'd read to him before from Elizabeth's sister: 

I cried today, not because of Liz's sickness, but because of her strength.  For those of you who keep asking what you can do---I asked her and she said, "I'm fine.  If they wanna help, tell them to sign up for a United Way Day of Caring Team and help someone in need.  They can do it for me."  So, for those of you who want to do something for Liz, go volunteer.  Do it for Liz.
 

 Suddenly, Boo was animated.  "That's it!  And I can't.  She wants us to volunteer and I can't.  But I can pray and fast for Elizabeth."

And then I understood.  All day Boo's refusal to eat wasn't due to dementia as I'd assumed, but because he was fasting.  His quietness wasn't an inability to communicate as I'd assumed, but because he was praying for Elizabeth.  All day he's done his part...consistently and steadily.  For Boo that's quite an accomplishment and quite a witness.

Today Boo has continued his fast...with modifications to ensure that his health needs are met.  He's giving up desserts and sweets.  That's a hard one for him because he definitely has a sweet tooth.  Yet, he's given them up without complaint.  Not even one tiny complaint.  Not even when a friend ate homemade cookies in front of him.  And we're both praying for Elizabeth...for healing and for strength. 

I've been humbled.  So many times Boo needs help and comfort that I often forget about his very real need to help others.  His ability to physically do things is extremely limited.  His ability to do those things which are truly important is far from limited.   I can learn from that.

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Still Present

“You make him joyful with gladness in Your presence.”

Psalm 21:6b NAS

Today is one of those days. Boo is having trouble staying oriented. He has a minor infection which causes him to be more confused than usual. I've spent much of the day reorienting Boo to time and place, checking his blood pressure and blood glucose readings, helping him to the bathroom, feeding him small snacks, talking calmly to him...and repeating the process. I've washed dishes and one load of clothes. That's all I've accomplished today. And I had such plans for the day until reality took me by the hand and led me down a different path.

In the midst of my frustration, I thought of all the times I've wandered off the path and God has listened to my litany of complaints. He's held me gently and waited for me to calm enough to listen to Him and allow Him to lead me. And then had to repeat the process many, many times. (I'm a slow learner.) The patience and love He has shown me, I've not deserved.

After one of Boo's mini naps today, he grabbed my hand and joyfully announced to an empty room, “She's still here!” Well, of course. Then again, don't I react the same way with God? I still find myself thrilled that God is continually there for Boo and me. Right in the middle of our messy, chaotic lives, God is present, loving us, caring for us and gently leading us closer to Him. Today I'm most thankful for Emmanuel---God present with us---for in His presence we have all we really need.

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