This Is My Call

“This is my call.

This is my vocation.

This is my witness to the world.”

This past Friday I stumbled upon Joy of 9, a blog written by Melanie Jean Juneau. On her blog header is the quote above. That quote spoke directly to my heart. I collect quotes and have several books full of phrases that are meaningful to me. This is the first one that “fit” me so perfectly.

Recently a friend, a young mother, encouraged me to go to work, to do something meaningful and important with my life. She caught me in one of my sleep deprived states. I could barely string a coherent sentence together, much less give her a reasoned defense of my choice to quit work and care for my husband after his second stroke and recently, to move closer to my Mother and care for her as well.

I know my heart. I know this is where I am supposed to be right now. I know I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Explaining it is another matter. No matter how I try, the end result sounds “holier than thou.” That is definitely something that I'm not. My faults and failings are all too obvious.

Melanie simply, succinctly and humbly said just what I felt and had been unable to verbalize. At this point in my life I am called to care for my husband and my mother. I am very grateful to be able to do so. This truly is my vocation. This is my witness to the world. It isn't a flashy or popular decision. It probably doesn't look like a particularly smart move to many people. I won't be accomplishing great things or moving mountains. Instead, as Mother Teresa said, “In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.” These small things imperfectly done, but done with love are my witness to the world. Usually it's just a quiet, invisible witness...but it's the one I'm called to make.

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Where Has Lent Gone?

The beginning of Holy Week...it just doesn't seem possible. Where has Lent gone?

I had plans for Boo and I to observe a holy Lent, to fast, to gain great spiritual insights, to renew our lives. Those were the plans. Life intervened. We have fasted from meat on Fridays. Because of Boo's health and age, he's not required to fast. He wanted to do so. We've prayed the Rosary almost daily. Boo has been determined to pray the “whole prayer” not just a decade or two. More often than not, he's succeeded. We've prayed the Divine Mercy chaplet several times weekly. I'd intended to read one or two books and participate in an online retreat.

 

That got pushed to the side. Instead, Boo and I are hastily preparing to move closer to my Mother.  We're pulling up stakes here and planting them in a small town.  We're (read I'm) throwing away, donating, packing and cleaning.  Well, not as much cleaning as I should, but I'm working on that.   

This wasn't the Lent I planned. At this point in the season, I planned to be refreshed, ready for the observance of the final week of Jesus' life, ready for renewal and joy. Instead, I'm rushing through decluttering and packing. I'm frustrated by the number of things I've yet to complete, plans that still aren't finalized. So much yet undone.

Admittedly, with all my frantic decluttering, I do feel less encumbered by things. I have repeatedly found myself praying as I worked. Still, this wasn't the way I planned for things to be. I don't have time to sit and reflect. I haven't made great strides spiritually. This isn't where I planned to be.

And yet...when Jesus entered Jerusalem on a donkey, did He feel ready? He'd loved, taught, worked and lived with his apostles. Did He experience any of the frustration, any of the sense of incompleteness that I'm feeling?

Maybe this isn't such a bad place to be spiritually. I've made small, very small strides. Sometimes I pray without thinking as I work. Sometimes I set realistic goals for part of the day. Not completely new achievements. Not perfect achievements. Progress nonetheless.

I think I've considered Lent as a journey to the final destination of Easter. And it is. It's just that Easter isn't the end for us. I still have to live out my faith. I still have to work towards being the person God is calling me to be. I'm not finished. I think I really envisioned myself taking a well deserved spiritual break after Easter. You know, kind of rest on my heels and admire the awesome spiritual advancements I'd made while my life resumed it normal course.

Instead, I find myself wanting to press on, to continue my small strides. At least, that's my take on it this morning.

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New Lenten Discipline and a Video of Boudreaux

Lent is a time to rid yourself of unnecessary things in your life and to add the essential. Right?

Well, in the spirit of Lent, I'm adding the spiritual discipline of moving. OK, not just moving. Purging, decluttering, packing and moving in less than two weeks.

Letting go of the unnecessary is easier when I consider packing items and unpacking them again. Is it truly something we need or really want? Can we do without this? Yeah, I think I've got this part down pat. Thrift stores get ready!!! We've got bags of stuff for you! It helps that I don't have time to really think long and hard about different items.

Adding those things that are essential is more problematic. Patience with Boo when he asks the same question time after time, patience with myself when I'm overworked and tired...that's harder. Remembering and making time for prayer...that's been an issue the last couple of days too.

Another essential that I need to add is trust. Trust that I'll have the physical and emotional strength to do all that I need to get ready for this move alone, trust that the house we're moving into will be ready, trust that Boo will remember the area well enough that he won't be too confused when we move and trust that this is the right move for us.

I guess a little additional information is necessary...

We're moving back to the lovely, very small town we left a year and eight months ago. I thought we had good reasons to move. Circumstances change. Boo is less willing to get out and about because there are so many people here. Even going out for coffee is overwhelming for him.

When we moved, we had no immediate family in the area. Mom had moved away for several months, but has returned to the area and plans to stay there. Now she needs help with some day to day things. Our new home will almost be in her backyard. So, theoretically, it will be easier to care for Boo and give Mom the help she needs to remain independent.

Besides, Boo and I both prefer the quiet, slower pace of life there. Boo enjoys sitting on the front porch and speaking to everyone who walks by. (Yes, people really do walk by, wave and talk. Just like in small towns years ago.) At this point in our lives, slow is better. It's certainly easier to get Boo out to do things when he knows the people he sees will be familiar. I'll be busy and happy with Boo and Mom, getting to know some of my cousins that have retired to the area and connecting with old (and new) friends on the internet.

Here's to my new, very practical spiritual discipline...moving. Moving away from the unnecessary clutter in our lives and moving toward emphasizing those things that are essential.  Letting go of the fear of change and failure, embracing family and new friends and grabbing onto trust with both hands and holding on.

Ummm...prayers for our move and my sanity would be greatly appreciated.  When I take the time to think about what I'm obligated to do, I panic. 

And here's a video of Boudreaux trying to catch the aquarium fish.  It has nothing to do with anything in this post.  Boo just likes it.

,

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Praying for Kim

My heart is heavy this morning. A childhood friend has been dealt another blow. A few months ago, Kim was diagnosed with breast cancer. Years ago her mother died shortly after being diagnosed with breast cancer. Kim has maintained a very positive attitude and a vibrant Christian witness throughout her chemo and radiation. She has truly been an inspiration.

Last week, Kim received a double whammy. Cancer has spread to her brain. She is now receiving chemo for both breast and brain cancer. Her body is exhausted. Her emotions are all over the place. This is not what any of us expected.

We believed that Kim would indeed have a tough fight, but that it would be relatively straight forward victory. We believed that God would heal her in short order. After all, she has maintained that God is in control of this as He is in control of her life. Kim's faith has been unshakeable.

Now this.

Last week, Kim was still posting to Facebook. Now her ability to communicate is severely limited. One of my thoughts was, “But God, she was such a strong witness. So positive. So loving. So funny. So strong. Why should she be silenced?”

I don't know the answer.

I do know that I've heard from friends from long ago who've been touched by Kim. Friends who would never darken the doors of a church.

Last night one friend called. She's traveled far from her roots, far from where she believes she should be. It's been years since she's prayed. Last night, through tears of rage and frustration at the unfairness of all this, she and I prayed that Kim and her family will feel and know with a certainty that God has wrapped them in His strong, loving arms, that they would experience His peace and healing strength.

It's a start.

Kim's witness and her willingness to share her faith and her struggles is still a vibrant light. Even though she can't communicate well right now, her life is speaking for her. Seeds she planted are beginning to grow.

Even silent, God continues to use her. {And if you knew Kim, you'd know that this is one of the few times in her whole life she's been silent.}

If I were silenced, would my life continue to speak for me? Have I planted seeds in my friends' lives that would continue to grow? Have I created a community of friends that could nurture, support and comfort each other?

Please today, tomorrow, any time God brings it to your mind...

       pray for Kim,

       pray for her husband,

       pray for her family.

               Pray that God will enfold them in His arms,

                     that they will know His love,

                     His comfort,

                     His healing strength.

              Pray that all of us will accept God's Will for Kim

                     even while we're praying and asking for her healing.

             Pray that we will continue to nurture and support each other.

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Let Go and Join the Dance

The fact remains that we are invited to forget ourselves on purpose, cast our awful solemnity to the wind, and join in the general Dance.”

Thomas Merton

Do your most carefully laid plans fall flat? Do you find more and more that your anticipated plans aren't workable no matter how much you try?

Recently, this has been reality for Boo and me. Since Boo's third stroke, we had worked out a system of reading and narration that we both enjoyed and that also exercised Boo's long and short term memory. Lately, this hasn't gone as smoothly as we'd like. Boo has tremendous difficulty remembering the readings from day to day. There is a definite decline in his cognitive ability.

Boo enjoys planning the books and articles he wants me to read for a month or two at a time. He anticipates our reading and discussions. We both enjoy the give and take, the strange twists and turns our discussions take. Lately, this hasn't worked. Boo has difficulty remembering what we've read by the end of the reading. By the next day, he's completely lost the train of the book. Even when I retell the previous reading, he nods blankly. He just can't remember.

His pleasure in anticipating our reading and discussions is diminished. For a while, Boo didn't want to read or discuss. He tried to hide his loss of memory with disinterest. Finally he realized that I'd retell what we'd read and he could resume the story line without losing everything. Now, he'll agree to readings...but not with the pleasure he had just a few weeks ago.

I tried different things. Nothing has made a real difference.

Last week, I let go. All my struggles to help simply weren't helping. All my wonderful ideas fell flat. Boo just isn't able to comprehend and remember as he did.

Guess what?

Letting go was the answer. No, Boo doesn't remember much more. He still doesn't anticipate our times reading and discussing as he once did.

The pressure to remember is gone. The pressure to discuss is gone. If he feels like listening, I read. If he feels like discussing, we do. We go with the flow these days.

There's an ease to our days that had been absent the past few weeks. We're both learning to join in the Dance. And learning to let go of those things that no longer work as they once did. We're learning to enjoy what is...right now, today.

Boo's memory may never be what it once was. We're both learning to accept that. We are searching for new things for Boo to anticipate. More immediate. Simpler.

With acceptance comes peace and joy. We have so much for which to be grateful. And we're beginning to feel like joining in the dance once again. Letting go of Boo's memory, which we can't control anyway, and leaving it to God is a blessing. God has blessed us with the peace that He's in control and with joy in the small things.

Join us in letting go of those things that we can't control and see what God will do. Enjoy the dance.

And remind me to let go when I start to pick up my worries again.

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When God Pries Your Fingers Open

"Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open."                                                                      Corrie Ten Boom
 

The past few weeks have been a time of learning for me.  I'm learning to open my hands, to let go.  OK, the reality is that God is having to pry my fingers open.  And yes, it does hurt.  Some of the tightly held hurts that I've hugged closely for years...you know, the ones that you allow to define you.  Well, God is in the process of helping me release the death grip I have on some of those hurts. 

Who am I without those things that I've allowed to define me for far too long?  I'm learning.  And I'm rejoicing through the tears.  I'm a child of God...and that needs to be my first identification.  The real "who I am."  All the rest is extra.

After the last few weeks, I felt like I'd not spent the time and energy with Boo that I should have.  Last night, Boo was confused.  But one thing he knew and knew with complete certainty.  That was that he was God's child.  He might not remember all he'd like, but he knows the essentials. 

Boo and I discussed what is really important...for a short while.  His ability to hold onto his thoughts was severely limited last night.  One of the things that Boo said was that we need time to regroup, to rethink.  Maybe that's what I've accomplished recently.  I miss being able to talk with Boo about things anytime.  Mentally, he's not able to do that on the spur of the moment.  It makes those times when we can more precious. 

One thing I know for sure:  When God pries your fingers open, He wants you to have more.  It may be a painful process, but God has more in store for you.  Just as He does for Boo and for me.

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A Joyful Attitude

Boo outside, September 2012

 

It's been a while since I posted photos of Boo.  He hasn't been cooperative.  In fact, he has been adamant about not having his picture taken.  Yesterday I managed to coerce Boo into spending some time outside.  Once he and Boudreaux settled down on the patio, he really had a good time.  I read part of Medjudgorje:  The Mission by Wayne Weible.   Boo enjoyed watching Boudreaux play in the grass less than six feet away from him.  When a loud car drove by, Boudreaux gave up all pretext of being a big brave tiger and ran to Boo, jumped in his lap and refused to get down until I tried to take his picture.  Then he jumped down and went to the door to go inside.  

 

Boo's joy is contagious.  Many, many times I've been tired or frustrated or discouraged or all three and  Boo's attitude changes all that.  He finds joy in the small, immediate, daily things---homemade yogurt or beingets, Boudreaux's antics, a passage in a poem or book, the warmth of a sunny day.  Soon I find myself sharing his joy.  What a gift!  With all the disabilities Boo has, his most wonderful asset is his attitude.

Boudreaux refusing to be photographed.

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Up the Mountain

 

Digital alteration of an oil pastel of Boo, Christmas 2009 before his third stroke.

The way Jesus shows you is not easy.  Rather, it is like a path winding up a mountain.  Do not lose heart!  The steeper the road, the faster it rises to ever wider horizons.

Blessed John Paul II

 

 Boo really perked up when I read this quote from one of his favorite Popes tonight.  "That's really how it is.  It isn't easy, just like going up a mountain.  I don't understand why things happen and I get confused a lot of times.  But I have to keep on." 

 

This has been a good day for Boo.  Although he's prayed much of the day for Elizabeth and her family, for our family, for several friends who have continuing health problems and for one of my cousins who married today, he's been rather quiet otherwise.   When I questioned him several times today, it was obvious that he was reasonably well oriented.  Boo just wanted to be quiet, to stay focused on his goals. 

 

Once again, I can learn a lot from Boo.  Pray constantly.  Meditate quietly.  Remain focused on the truly important things.  Talk less. 

 

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Choosing to See

Preach the gospel at all times and when necessary use words.

St. Francis of Assisi

This has been a difficult and painful post to write. I am saddened and appalled by the attitudes that seem to be so prevalent in some parts of the medical community and in society as a whole...and to an extent in myself. In our mad rush to accumulate more things and to ensure that we, ourselves, are not inconvenienced, we've lost sight of the true value of life. We are quick to unburden ourselves of those children and adults among us who are disabled or elderly.

How many times have I run past a man standing on a corner asking for food or money? My easy excuse is that I have to get back to Boo. I don't have the extra money to share...and yet, I could speak. I could take him a cup of coffee or a cold drink. I could certainly pray for him. I could acknowledge that he is as human and as valuable as I am. I seldom do that. Sometimes I don't even notice him standing there. I am so caught up in my own life that I don't look past it to see my brother.

This morning after an upsetting phone call, all my anger and frustration came to a head. I was furious and with good reason. Still, my anger at Boo's diminished value in a “friend's” eyes because of his dementia and my anger that the same “friend” believed that I was wasting my life caring for him when I could be living, did nothing constructive. I didn't even knead a loaf of bread to work off my frustration. I just seethed. Kind of wish I had that bread about now.

I was feeling quite self righteous and morally upright. After all I know that Boo is no less a person now than he was before his strokes. I've carefully considered, and continue to consider, the best course of care for Boo at this time. I've actively tried to ensure that his physical, spiritual, mental and emotional needs are met to the best of my ability. I've made the choices that I truly believe are best for us...and as much as possible I've involved Boo in the decision making process.

And yet...don't I completely miss the mark many times? In my anger and frustration, I speak too quickly and don't consider my words. Instead of patiently explaining the precious value of life, even when that life is marked by handicaps or disabilities, all too often I rant and rave. Instead of allowing myself to be vulnerable and share the joys and sorrows of loving and caring for someone with dementia, I isolate myself. If I truly believe in the sacredness of all life, if I truly believe that we are all created in God's image, how am I living that out? How am I sharing that?

In the coming week, I challenge each of us to look around, really look. Then, look again. Who is on the fringes of our lives that needs to be acknowledged and loved? Who do we routinely overlook? As important as it is to verbalize our belief in the sacredness of life, it's even more important to show it, to put feet to our faith.
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Laughter

"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouting."  Job 8:21

I made this pastel of Boo four years ago and it remains one of my favorites.  The last couple of days, Boo has really laughed and enjoyed himself.  He seems to be on the mend.  Thank goodness!  Of course, he's not back to normal yet and is still sleeping a lot. 

Laughter is truly one of God's healing gifts.  As soon as Boo is able to laugh, to see the humor in every day things, his blood pressure is easier to control and he relaxes.  Then, the healing can really begin.  Isn't that true for all of us?  When we laugh and relax, God can more easily show us what He wants us to see.  He is more able to heal us physically and emotionally.

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Searching...

This has been a week of searching for us.  Searching for an old recipe that Boo remembers from childhood, searching for solutions to medical issues for Boo and a relative, searching for lost items, searching for things to calm Boo's restless mind... 

It's good to remember that at the end of all our searching we will find our God.  Our God who is constantly drawing us to Him.  Our ultimate treasure.

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...Through a Glass...

 
       Looking through some photos Boo had taken years ago on a trip to Louisiana, he saw this photo of his father, one of his daughters and a grandaughter.  He kept asking to go back to this particular photo.  This morning (at 4:30---arrgh!) he asked to see "that picture" again.  I knew which one he meant.  So, I turned on the lights, found the photo and he started quoting I Corinthians 13:12.  After a quick online search, I realized that he was quoting from the Douai-Rheims version of the scriptures.  Eventually, I'll have this enlarged and printed for Boo. 

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