The
fact remains that we are invited to forget ourselves on purpose, cast
our awful solemnity to the wind, and join in the general Dance.”
Thomas
Merton
Do your most carefully laid
plans fall flat? Do you find more and more that your anticipated
plans aren't workable no matter how much you try?
Recently, this has been reality
for Boo and me. Since Boo's third stroke, we had worked out a system
of reading and narration that we both enjoyed and that also exercised
Boo's long and short term memory. Lately, this hasn't gone as
smoothly as we'd like. Boo has tremendous difficulty remembering the
readings from day to day. There is a definite decline in his
cognitive ability.
Boo enjoys planning the books
and articles he wants me to read for a month or two at a time. He
anticipates our reading and discussions. We both enjoy the give and
take, the strange twists and turns our discussions take. Lately,
this hasn't worked. Boo has difficulty remembering what we've read
by the end of the reading. By the next day, he's completely lost the
train of the book. Even when I retell the previous reading, he nods
blankly. He just can't remember.
His pleasure in anticipating our
reading and discussions is diminished. For a while, Boo didn't want
to read or discuss. He tried to hide his loss of memory with
disinterest. Finally he realized that I'd retell what we'd read and
he could resume the story line without losing everything. Now, he'll
agree to readings...but not with the pleasure he had just a few weeks
ago.
I tried different things.
Nothing has made a real difference.
Last week, I let go. All my
struggles to help simply weren't helping. All my wonderful ideas
fell flat. Boo just isn't able to comprehend and remember as he did.
Guess what?
Letting go was the answer. No,
Boo doesn't remember much more. He still doesn't anticipate our
times reading and discussing as he once did.
The pressure to remember is
gone. The pressure to discuss is gone. If he feels like listening,
I read. If he feels like discussing, we do. We go with the flow
these days.
There's an ease to our days that
had been absent the past few weeks. We're both learning to join in
the Dance. And learning to let go of those things that no longer
work as they once did. We're learning to enjoy what is...right now,
today.
Boo's memory may never be what
it once was. We're both learning to accept that. We are searching
for new things for Boo to anticipate. More immediate. Simpler.
With acceptance comes peace and
joy. We have so much for which to be grateful. And we're beginning
to feel like joining in the dance once again. Letting go of Boo's
memory, which we can't control anyway, and leaving it to God is a
blessing. God has blessed us with the peace that He's in control and
with joy in the small things.
Join us in letting go of those
things that we can't control and see what God will do. Enjoy the
dance.
And remind me to let go when I
start to pick up my worries again.
God bless you and keep you both.
ReplyDeleteAmen, enjoy the dance.
ReplyDeleteLetting go is often hard. Praying for continued strength for you!
ReplyDelete